Sunday, April 01, 2007

Under a cloud

We went for our 20 week scan 3 weeks ago and, ever since, it has been fairly hard to keep positive about my pregnancy. The sonographer had trouble finding the baby's stomach. For my second scan the sonographer thought she saw it filling up but it wasn't there for my 3rd scan, which was last Monday. We were then informed that we were being referred to Fetal Medicine at the RVI. I think I cried for 2 days, horrible uncontrollable, hysterical crying - so scared for my baby, so scared for the effect all of this could have on my family.
After spending the afternoon at Fetal Medicine on Wednesday, I was scanned 3 times. Dr Sturgiss did find the stomach but he said it was smaller than he would expect at 23 weeks. But he did say that it could turn out to be absolutely nothing, especially as at the moment I don't have any extra amniotic fluid. He did also remind us that it could be a sign of Downs.
I felt so positive after the scans as Dr Stugiss is an amazing consultant - calm, honest and caring - he didn't tell us what to do, he is happy to be led by us. He didn't use words like should, must, will. Instead he gave us choice and information. I'm heading back there in 3 weeks to be scanned again. It looks like I'll be closely monitored until the baby is born now and I'll probably have baby at the RVI, which I'm fine about.
Thursday was a low day. I found it hard to be positive about the situation - I felt guilty for wanting a 3rd baby when it could have a huge impact on the kids, I was panicking about having a sick or disabled child and I think I decided that a termination would be the only thing I could do as I have 1 week left to have one. But when I spoke to Gary about it he reminded me that it is what I want and that I would be making a decision to end the pain I am feeling in now and that I would have to live with the pain of having a termination for the rest of my life. He also reminded me that we don't actually know if anything is wrong with our baby, the doctors just can't confirm that everything is right. So I feel more positive now, although I imagine it will be a constant rollercoaster of emotions, and I'm concentrating on thinking positively until my next scan and enjoying my baby's kicks until I have to re-evaluate. Hopefully this will never happen!

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