Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Troubles in a bag

I have borrowed this from Niobe's blog but I want to share it because it made so much sense to me and it made me feel happy.
I had my first counselling session this morning and we talked about this story and I realised that I would not swap lives and experiences with anyone. Sometimes I can feel so much pain I just don't know where to turn, I miss Jamie so much and I can feel lost and depressed and confused but that is me, where I am now. I am dealing with my grief, I am doing well - apparently I am not insane! - but it is my life, my memories, my son. I have lost my son but I am surrounded by love and support and hope and laughter, I have to grab hold onto this. I have my memories of Jamie, they live with me every day, they are part of me and I don't want to lose them as well. I am grateful for what I have in my life - Jamie, Lucy, Alice, my fantastic husband and the army of friends who support me and get drunk with me on a regular basis.

There’s a story about a village whose inhabitants constantly and bitterly lamented the inequities of life and fate. Wearying of their complaints, the village headman told the villagers to each pack up their troubles into a sack and to hang the sack on the branches of the big tree at the edge of town. As the villagers stood looking up at the sacks hanging in neat rows, the headman told them that, while, in this world, everyone must bear some burdens, in the interests of fairness, he would allow each of the villagers a choice of troubles. The villagers circled the tree, checking the size and weight of the various sacks, loosening the ties and examining the contents. And, of course, in the end, each person took his own troubles back.

Friday, May 29, 2009

today i feel happy, content, focused, settled, hopeful, calm, relaxed, fulfilled, rested, ready, able...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I dream

of a beautiful, sandy beach with clear blue water. The sun is shining down and the 5 of us playing on the beach. We are relaxed, happy and together.
Maybe this is heaven.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Finding my perspective

I have been for a long walk today in the wind and the rain and the world feels a little less bleak and hard this evening. I need to slow down, cut myself some slack, enjoy myself a bit more and put things back into perspective.
I have tried to do so much over the last two years, I guess in an attempt to fill that huge gap in my life, that I have been left drained and stressed. I don't know how I am going to move forward but my instinct is to slow and down and see what happens.

Monday, May 18, 2009


I feel so lost my gorgeous little boy. I love you and I miss you but I truly thought I would feel better by now but I don't. I replay your short life in my head and it hurts so much I can hardly stand it.
I am pushing everyone away and I have to stop. I hurt so much that I am sometimes scared about what I might do to stop that pain, so I look at your sisters, I cuddle them and I hold your dad to stay here and keep going. But still it doesn't feel enough.
I am so very scared about what the future holds, can I really sustain this pain for the rest of my life?
I miss you so much and I want you back.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I haven't shed many tears this month but I feel very lost and confused. I miss you and I really want you and I am struggling with the thought of not having anymore children. I need some time, some space, some cuddles, some love and some laughter to try to get my head straight.

I haven't been well this month and that has given me lots of time wrapped up in my duvet to think and reflect. I need to look after myself and focus on putting my head together. Sometimes, I am so wrapped up in missing you and feeling pissed off with everyone and no-one that I am missing the good stuff I have in my life. Your sisters are my life, they keep my heart beating, they are funny and silly and crazy and kind and caring and thoughtful and cuddly and just amazing.

Your dad is just the best man on the planet - he is loving and funny and thoughtful and strong and caring and romantic and sexy and clever and hard working and beautiful and he is my soulmate, my best friend.

But I feel hopeful for this year, I have given myself permission to take it easy, work towards getting better this year and to focus on my family, friends and my home - the good stuff.
You will never be far from my thoughts my beautiful little boy but I need to move on, I can't grieve like this forever, it just hurts too much and my heart is broken.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

This week, I feel good. And this needs to be celebrated :-)
You have two amazing sisters and, despite all their squabbles and fights and refusals to do anything I want at all unless it involves watching tv or making cakes, they are my life and they keep me going on my darkest of days. A cuddle from them can make even the darkest clouds go away.

This week has been a big week for Lucy, she had her birthday party at the farm last weekend. It was a fantastic fun and sunny day. You were missed incredibly but the smiles on the girls faces just said it all. Lucy turns 5 this weekend and I just don't know where those 5 years have gone. It is also a reminder that, in many ways, my broken heart is never truly going to heal - I so wish we were able to have you here for your birthdays.

Lucy also learnt to swim this week - she did 3 lengths in the little pool all by herself. She was so exhausted she burst out crying at the end!

Our family life is a bit chaotic and, at times, frantic and emotional but it is a family of love and support and cuddles andfun and life. You would have enjoyed being with us, your sisters would have teased you rotten but you would have loved them for it. I would do anything just for one more cuddle.
If I could have a Groundhog day I would go back to the Wednesday, when your sisters met you and I got to wash your hair and your face. I couldn't hold you because of all the wires but this was the next best thing. These memories I will hold with me forever. I love you, my little gorgeous Jamie. I am so glad you came into our lives, even if your visit with us was brief.