Wednesday, October 10, 2007

When I first lost Jamie, I read about grief and one of the stages is anger. At the time I thought, but I'm not really angry with anyone, Jamie was ill and he died and I just feel so so so sad. Well fuck me, I really do feel the anger now. It's bubbling away inside. I'm not angry at Jamie, I'm not angry at the doctors, I'm not angry at anyone becacuse I feel they are responsible in any way for Jamie's death, I am angry at friends and strangers alike for being able to be happy, to be able to continue with their happy lives, making plans, not experiencing the pain I am feeling.

As I write this down, I realise it sounds absurd and I truly wouldn't wish any sadness on anyone, especially due to the loss of a child but I can't help the way I feel. I'm sure it will fade and it probably means I am making progress, making my way through my grief but the people around me seem untainted by sorrow and heartbreak and depression. Of course I know this isn't true either, most people have their own heartbreak but I am wrapped up in my own selfish sorrow. Eventually, and hopefully soon, I will make my way out again and happy again but for now I feel a little sorry for myself and a little depressed, I can't see much light at the end of tunnel at the moment, I am tired and I am low but then I have a cuddle with my girls and everything seems ok again for a while.
I feel strange, not normal, in an unfamiliar place and a little lost. And now I am going to be with my children as they get ready for bed - alice is making a parrot picture and lucy is looking at a book - and then I'll, hopefully, spend a nice evening with Gary, my anchor who is also trying to cope with the loss of our son.


Blogger niobe said...

As you probably see from my most recent posts, I'm feeling very blue myself these days. I can't feel the anger that I think most people feel sooner or later. Or if I do feel anger, it's so twisted and turned upon myself that it's entirely unrecognizable.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

Of course you feel angry at other people, it isn't fair what happened to you. Just go with that feeling and don't feel bad at yourself, people who care for you all understand totally.

9:54 AM  

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