Wednesday, October 17, 2007

that's that then

If you have had one child with congenital heart disease, the chance that another child will be born with CHD ranges from 1.5 to 5 percent, depending on the type of CHD in the first child...

...Congenital heart defects involving obstructions to blood flow in the left side of the heart have a higher rate of recurrence than other heart defects.

After a dream I had last night about having another pregnancy, I've been wondering today whether I could do it again. But reading these statistics has sealed it for me - I can't do it again. I think for the first time since Jamie died, I want a baby - i feel cheated that I didn't get to hold, cuddle, feed my baby or to watch him grow. But the reality is that Jamie has gone, he was very poorly and he died and my arms are empty of a baby and he can never be replaced. I do consider myself to be very lucky though because I can have cuddles with my girls anytime I want to and need to, they have been in my life everyday since they were born and I love them with all my heart. It would be lovely to be able to have another baby, not to replace Jamie but to continue to let our family grow and to have some happiness but I can't risk losing another child or having a very sick child again. My focus needs to be on Gary and our girls and having a happy life together and remembering Jamie with love and pride. One day I hope my heart will heal enough so it doesn't hurt as much as it does now, so I don't cry everyday for what we have lost and what we are desperately missing. But for now I take some strange comfort in my tears and my grief because it means Jamie was loved, he is missed and he was here.


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