Monday, April 23, 2007

one for sorrow?

Now I'm not superstitous, although my mother is so I've been raised listening to lots of crap about black cats, cracks on the pavement, etc, etc. On Thursday and on Friday I say one magpie and not just flying about, on each occasion the bird just sat on a wall and waited for me to pass and there was no other magpie in sight. Is this bad luck, did the birds just sense my sorrow or am I just going completely mad? I fear it's the latter but then that's been happening for a long, long time!

Last week was a particularly crap week. On Wednesday we went back to see Dr Sturgiss. I had my scan and baby was in an awkward position - again - so couldn't see the stomach properly and the left side of the heart is smaller than the right. Cue loads of tears from me, thoughts that my baby is going to die, no sleep and lots of stress. We went back on Thursday to see a heart specialist. I was scanned again, this time by Dr Moran and also in the room was a Paeds consultant and a docotor from the Freeman, where they do transplants!! I did hear the Paeds duy say that he couldn't really see a problem and when we saw Dr Moran afterwards he confirmed that they couldn't really see a problem with the heart. Yes the left is slightly smaller but marginally so, and the heart was working normally. He wants me to go back this week for a final scan to check the heart in an attempt to completely rule out a problem with the heart as they couldn't see one of the valves on Thursday. I will have this scan but then no more, unless I am worried about anything. I really need to feel positive about the rest of my pregnancy and about the chance of my baby being ok and having regularly scans is making me stressed. I started having panic attacks last week - which would have been awful but I know how to control them through my breathing. I feel like I'm quite calm on the outside but on the inside of my head is The Scream and it's running up and down desperate for help.

Baby is very active today - which is lovely. I need to cling to the hope that he or she is going to be fine cause if I lose that I don't think I'll be able to stay positive in July when I need all my strength for the birth and for coping with a new baby, who may be poorly. And the doctors can't actually tell us whether there is anything wrong with our baby, they just can't confirm that everything is all right.


Blogger Annie said...

I've been thinking of you loads Hun...
I think it's the best thing, not continuing with all the scanning. It would be fine if it gave you peace of mind... but it's not, and it's sapping your energy.
This baby is YOUR Baby and he or she will always be beautiful... xxx's

2:50 PM  

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