Wednesday, November 14, 2007

and more from me

I'm still feeling pretty good. I haven't had any really low days for a few weeks now but I think that's only because I'm not thinking about Jamie too much. If I stopped and really thought about him I would be so pissed off and sad and angry and lost and upset, so I'm getting on with things.
Fireworks night was emotional. It is always a family event, going to the big bonfire and fireworks show. The girls love it, as do we, and Jamie was very definitely missed. I love everything about the night - wrapping up warm in winter coats, with scarves, gloves and wellies. He should have been snuggled up to me in his sling, underneath my coat as I shielded his ears from the load bangs of the fireworks, just as I had done with both girls when they were babies. I had a good weep as the fireworks exploded in the sky above my head and hoped he was looking down on us, his family, enjoying the show as well.

I have been observing an antenatal course (thanks Christine) which was a very positive experience and it felt right to be in a room full of nervous and excited expectant parents. I taught alittle during the 2nd session, which was good for me to do. I am amazed at how well I coped and was completely able to seperate my son from the class. Although I did think of him during one activity looking at the first few days with a baby. we were talking about day 4 and the emotions of milk coming in, etc and I thought well my son was dead by then.
I had a bit of a cry after that session and I needed some wine when we arrived in Lambley but I would be really cold not to have an emotional reaction to going back to work so I'm seeing it as a good thing, I'm not bottling it all away.

The biggest issue I have at the moment is deciding whether to tell people about Jamie. I think it is down to who it is and what the circumstances are. My fear has been that I will feel I have ignored Jamie if I don't tell people about him, and the thought of that upset me so much because I never want to deny his existence, he is my son, he will always be my son and he was here. But I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to avoid me, tiptoe around me, I don't want to upset people and I don't want to be centre of attention.
With strangers or people who I won't get to know, I see no reason to mention Jamie but with people who are becoming a part of my life I will tell them. I talk about Jamie quite freely and I don't want new friends to wonder who it is I am talking about. I told some of the mums from nursery school this week and it was fine and I felt relieved.

I have three courses booked for January and February. I'm nervous and excited about going back to work but I need to do it. It will be another adjustment in my life after Jamie and it will be tough at times but I have never been the type of person to shy away from something because it is going to be hard.

I'm also nervous about 2008. 2007 has been so special - I bonded with my son while I was pregnant and I spent time with him while he was alive but now I have the rest of my life to miss him so I need to plan special things for next year for me, Gary and the girls, or maybe I just need to take each week/month at a time and enjoy what I have at that moment.


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