Saturday, August 09, 2008

I'm kind of in a good place, I'm not dwelling on my boy, on my grief, on the gaping hole in my life, I'm focusing on the future and on the good stuff. The crap will hit me again eventually so I'm not willing it on!

I have been in a few situations recently where I have been asked how many children I have and I have struggled with this since Jamie died but on these recent occasions I have only mentioned my girls. It doesn't mean I don't want to mention to Jamie or that I am forgetting about him I just want to be treated as a normal mum, not to be pitied. I don't want to shock people or make people feel uncomfortable around me. When I know people well enough, then they will be introduced to my son, he won't be a secret but I am learning that there is a time and a place.

Now that a year has passed, I am starting to receive questions about trying for another baby. And the truth is that I really don't think we will do that, the baby I want is Jamie, he cannot be replaced, but we can never have him back, we only have his memory left with us.
I don't think I have the emotional strength to carry another baby, I have 2 girls to think about, care for and remain sane for. If someone could gaurantee me a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby I might think about it, but there are no guarantees and I need to focus on what I have, rather than what I have not.

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