might sound really crazy

but I feel really happy today, very peaceful and smiley! I'm not really sure what that says about me when it is the anniversary of Jamie's death tomorrow. There have been many tears this week but also lots of cuddles, smiles, laughter and love this week as well.

I miss my precious boy but we've made through his first birthday. On reflection I feel like we are grieving positively, we have encouraged our girls to grieve and talk about Jamie, we have let our own emotions out when they have needed to be released, we have done everything to grieve well. It hutrs and, at times, it feels like my heart is being ripped out, but we haven't fallen apart, we haven't stopped living. Instead I feel like we have grabbed on to life as much as we can and we are making the most of it.

The hardest year was last year, we never have to experience it again and, hopefully, never anything similar in the future. We have our memories and, yes, we replay Jamies life and death from time to time but we are strong and healthy and feeling positive about the future.

I'm sure there will be tears tomorrow as I remember the last time I saw my boy alive but he has given us so much to live for, so raise a toast for my precious, brave, and amazing Jamie and celebrate life :-)