Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Happy Birthday my beautiful boy

You were born at 12.30pm on July 9th - you looked so healthy and strong and I prayed that the doctors had got it all wrong, that you were healthy and well and that we would take you home. It was the start of our precious time with you, the start of a cruel, exhausting and desperate emotional rollercoaster that I never want to experience again.
You had your first surgery when you were 6 hours old - me and daddy sat for 6 hours in our postnatal room waiting for news. You looked weak but you had survived. My heart ached with pride at your strength but it was also breaking at the sight of you looking so poorly in your NICU bed, attached to what looked like a hundred machines.
On July 10th - daddy's birthday - you were transferred to the Freeman where we were told that surgery was hopeful, it was scheduled for Thursday, July 12th.
I held your hand, I stroked your hair, I kissed your head, I committed your smell and touch to memory and I hope it stays with me for the rest of my life. The morning before your surgery, you woke up and you smiled at us - it is all captured on film, which I haven't been able to watch since our first week without you.

Thoughts of you enter my head every few seconds. I love you and I miss you and I wish you were here with us. We should be planning your birthday party, not a memorial party and I should be looking at Happy 1st Birthday cards instead of the kind, thoughtful and supportive 'You are in our thoughts' cards on my mantlepiece. A year on, my heart is still breaking with my grief, my loss and my anger that you were taken from us - you are loved and so so wanted, why did it have to happen to us?

I really don't know how I have survived this first year - I have found strength I didn't know I had and love and support I didn't realise was around me. I love my husband and my two girls and their love and strength has kept me sane, it has kept me alive. At times it feels like I am two people - keep me busy with work, my family and friends I will keep going and I can be truly happy but when I stop, when I have no distractions, when I hear a song or stare at your picture the tears fall and there is no stopping them.

Despite all the pain and tears, I don't regret a second of it - I got to meet you, my precious third child, my beautiful son. We bonded while you were growing inside me, we had our own special relationship and I will always remember your kicks and squirms as I talked to you while lying in bed at night. You are my beautiful, brave, strong boy and I love you so so much. I would do anything to have one more cuddle with you but I know that can never happen. Instead I will dream of you, I will keep missing you and I will keep my memories of you with me everyday.

Sleep well my angel


Anonymous Annie said...

Thinking of you loads this week.
You are such a strong and amazing woman, and Jamie & Alice & Lucy are lucky to have such a fab mummy...
Big (((())))'s Hun

7:48 AM  
Blogger niobe said...

What a lovely tribute to your precious son. It's just heartbreaking that Jamie's birthday is so intertwined with sadness.

5:30 PM  

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