Thursday, July 31, 2008

when someone's child dies

I have had such fantastic support since Jamie died and I am fortunate to have such understanding, supportive, loving and caring friends and acquantiances.
I found this on the blog of another grieving mother and I think it sums up the complexities of friendships and contact with other people after a child has died.



I wish my child hadn’t died.
I wish I had him back.
I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears.
You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child.
I also know that my child’s death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.
I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered.
I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to “take it one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off.
When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people.
When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

1 Comments:

Blogger niobe said...

Dealing with my family members is still very hard for me. I feel as if I'll never be able to get back the relationships I once had with them. These words almost made me cry.

12:23 PM  

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