Saturday, July 28, 2007

This week

we decided to take the girls to Lambley for a few days, we wanted them near us but we were so tired andupset it wasn't fair on them and they had the best time so it was a good decision, even though we missed them ALOT.
On Tuesday we went to see our boy again. The original plan had been to see him in the Chapel of Rest at the hospital at 7pm but the funeral directors needed to collect him in the afternoon to get him ready for his cremation. So we made our way to Go As You Please at 3pm.
We are new to all this and we really weren't prepared for see our beautiful little boy in his tiny white coffin. It really did look so small. We spent quite a while talking to Jamie and crying for him and for us. I had thought I would be able to hold Jamie again but he looked so peaceful in his coffin. It probably wouldn't have been a good idea to try to cuddle him either, his head was perfect but his body was decaying and it felt better to leave him where he looked like he was asleep.
When we were having to think about Jamie's funeral we said we didn't want to see him in his coffin but I think it was good that we did because it made it very real. Had Jamie been in a Moses Basket again I would have been distraught because he looked like he was fast asleep. Even though he was in his coffin, I was still willing him to wake up.
In his coffin we placed some things to keep him company and a copy of The Hungry Caterpillar.
We gave him lots of kisses and then it was time to go. We decided that we wanted to put the lid onto his coffin, again I think this was the right thing for us to do to try and achieve closure, reality. The plaque on his coffin read Baby Jamie Smith.

On Wednesday Jamie was cremated at 9.30am. On the way to the crematorium I heard a song on the radio which seems to fit and I'll always remember it as Jamie's song now. Not my usual choice of song - You'll Be In My Heart by Phil Collins - but it is from the Tarzan film, which I have watched with my girls and would have watched with my boy, had he lived.
We didn't want to go into the chapel but we saw Jamie's coffin, with his sunflower, being carried into the crematorium and we stood outside, crying and clinging to each other while Jamie's cremation took place.

Some crematoriums are unable to save ashes from small babies but the Bereavement Officer at The Freeman said that this crematorium has never let her down yet and it hasn't let us down either. We have some ashes, so now we can plan our final goodbye to Jamie at the end of the pier in Tynemouth.


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