Feel a strange mix of numbness and upset this week. I found out last night that a couple on my last course lost their baby after their homebirth. Marcelle popped round last night as they are friends of hers. Apparently the baby was born safe and well but after a little while developed breathing difficulties and died. I'm left wondering whether the baby had health problems and may have died anyway. I feel devastated for this couple as it is so cruel to have a baby taken away like that. I feel very very mixed up about it as I can't help comparing it to my own situation. Maybe their baby had a heart problem that only became life threatening after the birth. It has made me feel very fortunate that I know about my baby's heart problems, that I know there is a risk that it may die, although I pray and hope that this won't happen.

A very selfish part of me feels like maybe my baby stands a chance, their baby has died and mine can't die as well - surely? I know this isn't true and life doesn't work like that but it doesn't stop me from hoping that my baby will make it. All of this has reminded me how fragile life is and how death is an inevitable part of life, even for babies - some babies are just not meant to live, their time with us is brief.