we have survived the first week

Jamie died at 10.35pm on Thursday, July 12th - one week ago.
I miss my boy so much, I feel empty and I feel like I have lost a limb. All I have done is cry today because I wish it was so different, I wish he had been born healthy and strong and he was here with us now but I can't ever have him back, he is gone forever and I have to remember the precious times with him as positively as I can.
Grief is a strange thing. I've never experienced it before. It highs highs and lows. I am so proud of my little boy, he was so beautiful, he was so strong and he was such a fighter. I am glad we met him and I am so glad he hung on long enough to meet his mummy and daddy. During my positive moments I feel that he came when he did to meet us, it has been so much more of a positive experience because we met him, had he died inside me I am sure it would have been much more traumatic. During my bad days, I question whether I did anything wrong and would he have survived surgery had he been bigger and born later - I had no say in this of course but I guess I will always have questions.
We are also experiencing plenty of up times - thanks to the girls and to each other - but I wonder whether we are exhausting ourselves by keeping busy and are we going to crash at some point. Only time will tell. But we are determined that our family will be stronger because of Jamie - we will value the girls and each other much more, there has to be a reason for all of this.

Jamie is due to be cremated next Wednesday. We have chosen not to have a service as we can't cope with 'performing' in public and we certainly can't cope with seeing a tiny coffin. Jamie's ashes will be returned to us and we will have our own goodbye with the girls by scattering his ashes and throwing sunflowers from the pier in Tynemouth at sunrise. I'm sure many people would have attended a service, to show their support for us, but Jamie was so little and we need to keep this to ourselves.

And now I need to cuddle my husband.