Every now and then I think about whether we could have another baby. In my heart I really don't think I could do it again. I still have a romantic view of being pregnant, of having life growing inside me. But then I think about going back to Fetal Medicine for scans and how stressed it would be to find out whether something is wrong, would I settle until I had that baby safely in my arms? Is it fair to put my family through the stress and anxiety?

The truth is we won't have any more of our own children. If Gary really wanted another baby I would think about it but I'm pretty sure he doesn't. But I do wonder whether it would help with our healing if we were to have a healthy baby - but there is absolutely no guarantee of that at all is there?

And is any desire for another baby just to try to replace what we have lost and that just can't be done. If someone loses a parent - that parent can't be replaced; if someone loses a grandparent, they can't be replaced; if someone loses a partner, that person cannot be replaced and neither can my boy - we just have to keep adjusting to life without him.

Waffle, waffle waffle - confusion, confusion, confusion