Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The time has come to end this blog

Writing it was a lifeline when I was pregnant with Jamie and after he died when I needed to share the experience and keep his memory alive and the support I have received from friends, colleagues and acquaintances has been fantastic.

It is 6 months since Jamie died and I am in a strange place. I am happy, I am rebuilding my life with Gary and our girls, I am focusing on my family and work, I have finally returned to work albeit very part-time for now and I am taking each week - sometimes each day - at a time. But I still think about Jamie every few seconds and my desire for him is still as strong as it was when I was carrying him in my belly

In many ways I am better, positive, changed healed but in other ways I am broken, damaged, lost and inconsolable. My grief cuts so deep I don't feel able to share it any longer - my ramblings, thoughts and feelings will not make sense to anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

But I want to end this blog positively and write about my family and my hopes for the future.

Gary, my husband and my soulmate. we have been through so much, we've shed a lifetime of tears but we can still make each other laugh and I hope we can have a lifetime of love and laughter together.

Alice, my big girl, my first baby. Your love of life, your enthusiasm, your laughter, your strength keep me happy and keep me going. You are challenging and stubborn, forceful and like a whirlwind in our lives but you are equally loving, kind and caring. You have coped so well with losing Jamie, coping with your own grief, as well as ours. You have coped with experiences a 6-year old shouldn't have to face. Your drawings and your stories, your wit and your energy are so fantastic and I want to enjoy them more in 2008 as you grow and we spend more time together.

Lucy, my little girl who is rapidly becoming a big girl. Your cuddles and laughter have been some of the best medicine. You are growing so quickly. You understood so much more than we thought about how poorly Jamie was and about his death. You have coped so well and you talk about your brother so fondly. When seeing me cry you would bring me tissues and dolls to hold and you always offered me cuddles. I love the way you have bags of 'stuff' around in the house and their importance to you. I love the way you lovingly copy your big sister but your own personality is coming through now. I want to make the most of our time before you start school full time in September and become a proper big girl!

The future. Who knows what that brings? But I have so much to be grateful for - two happy, healthy children, the memory of one brave little boy, a good relationship with my lovely husband and we have our health and opportunities. And I plan to enjoy my family and my life.

In 2007 I cried enough to fill an ocean, in 2008 I would like less tears and sadness and more love and laughter.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you find more happiness and less sadness in 2008. Jamie will always be with you in your heart, and I feel priveledged to have shared your thoughts over the years. I wish you peace.

6:42 PM  
Blogger Julian's Mom said...

You contacted me via my blog, Julian's Room. I'm glad you were able to find my blog in your darkest hours. I don't write my blog anymore, but glad others can still find it. As you know, I also lost a son when he was three days old due to heart problems. Please get in touch if you would like to talk.

7:36 PM  

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