Thursday, June 05, 2008

a few wobbles

I'm feeling a bit wobbly and fragile, not hugely so I don't think anyone would notice but I can feel the difference.
It is 5 weeks until Jamie's birthday and I can't believe how fast this year has gone - how have we coped, how have we held it together? It's fair to say the first few months passed in a blur, a whirlwind of emotions and an ocean of tears. But we are all coming through it stronger.
Every now and then, but not very often I allow myself to wonder what Jamie might have looked like and what he might be doing now - would be be crawling or even walking, what kind of child would have been, would he be as crazy as his sisters?

I feel happy and relieved to be back at work. I have been teaching since January and I have taught ALOT of courses. I can detach myself and my grief from my classes, they are completely seperate and work means too much to me.

I am taking most of July and all of August off work, so we'll be stretched financially but I need to spend that time with my girls - to enjoy them and to connect with them again after such a tough 12 months.

I am trying not to think too much about Jamie's birthday because I really don't know how I'll feel but it will also be a happy week with Alice and Gary's birthday, which I am also busy planning.
On Gary's birthday last year Jamie was in intensive care at the RVI. It was an emotional day, Jamie was recovering from his first surgery, his heart was scanned and we were told he was probably going to die. So I'm sure Gary would like a quiet and less dramatic and emotional day this year.

As for my amazing Alice, still thinking what to do for her birthday. I feel the need to spoil her and make it magical.


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