do you know what...

I'm not brave or strong or amazing - I am a mother who is missing one of her children and it hurts like hell. I cannot explain the pain I feel on most days, the panic I often feel when I first wake in the morning at the thought of not having all my children with me. My thoughts often take me back to being with him in hospital, to saying good bye to him before his surgery and to holding him in my arms and kissing his head after he died and then seeing him in his tiny white coffin.

I am surrounded by love, tenderness and support, I consider myself very lucky but I do sometimes wish people wouldn't expect so much from me. I am going to have bad days, sometimes I am going to be depressed and low, I am going to be angry, I am going to want to cry, I am going to want to withdraw from people.

Despite my fight, my determination to be busy and happy I struggle on a daily basis to keep my head together, to stay on top of my feelings, to not crumble under the weight of all the grief I feel. Most days I feel confused, clumsy and a little lost, despite my loud, confident and happy image.

Why was my son taken from me? why was he born so poorly?
I miss you Jamie, my heart, my arms, my life aches for you but all I have is your memory.
xxxxx