Tuesday, October 14, 2008

when i think about the last 15 months, I really don't know how I have survived. There have been some very very bleak, depressed times when the pain has hurt so so much I have felt nothing but despair. But then, somehow, I have clawed my way back to positivity and I have coped again. My girls are amazing creatures and they have really kept me going on a day to day basis.

I have discovered how strong I can be - I have coped with situations that some people would run away from. I have befriended the woman in the playground, whose 2nd baby was born a week after Jamie. We didn't know each other yet our oldest girls were in the same class and she didn't know what to say and she always stayed away when a group of us mums were talking. We are now friends and she has since had another baby.

When people find out what I do for a living, they always ask why I want to work with pregnant woman and new parents. It is certainly not out of any misplaced yearning to fill a gap in my life. I love my job, I love being with parents as they embark on this new chapter of their life. It's very special and it means a lot to me.

I am immensely proud of myself for coping as well as I have done so far. I haven't fallen apart. I do have times when it is difficult to cope, I do have times when I feel like I will never stop crying, I do have times when I am so immensely tired with just coping that I feel like I could sleep for a week, I do have times of huge anger that many of the people around me can continue with their lives with no great gaping hole in their lives and I do have times when all I think about is Jamie and how I would love to hold, smell and kiss him again. I replay his final day in my head and wonder what life would have been like had his operation been a success.

I sat and cuddled a new baby today and, afterwards, it dawned on me that I held him for longer than I ever held Jamie. I'm not upset about it, it's just a sad fact.

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