Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I'm still in a pretty shitty mood. Actually I think I'm a bit depressed, I have very little patience (just ask the kids, Gary, the cat...) and all I really want to do is hide in my bedroom and watch crappy TV until this is all over. This, of course, I can't do - I have 2 children and a husband to look after and spend time with. All of this is not helped by the fact that I am so so tired, I wake in the morning as tired as I was the night before and the house always needs tidying, it's like the Forth bridge, there is always somethign to tidy. And if I leave the house I have to speak to people and pretend that everything is ok, when is really really isn't. I endure jokes about the size of my bump (which I adore but I wish everyone would stop going on about and let me enjoy it) and questions about whether I am ok ( I am usually very British in my response and say that I am fine when infact I cry everyday and the rest of the time feel so completely numb it scares me).
Yes I am definitely not my usual happy self.

And I've been thinking about postponing all return visits to the hospital for a month. Obviously I will go back if I feel that I have started to get loads of extra fluid but, until that happens, I think I need to stay out of the hospital. I want to try to enjoy the last few weeks of my pregnancy and not worry that it is all going wrong. I want to try to connect more with my baby and trust my instincts, rather than trusting the medical theories and scans. Gary is a little worried about this but I won't do anything to put my baby in any more danger, I just need to connect with my baby, stay as positive and stress free as I can and get my head round the birth, which needs to take place in hospital. I'll call the hospital later this week and take it from there.

Hopefully I can shake this very shitty mood by next week, which is half term and get out and about with my girls. And I need to get my eyesbrows waxed, better do it quick incase that is my key to a good mood!

Something that has been on my mind as well is whether I can do all of this again. If my baby doesnt make it, do I want to try again for a third child, or will I accept that I have had my third child but he or she died. This has been the most fantastic pregnancy (apart from the emotional stress) I feel good, I am mobile (when I thought I might be on crutches by now) and I would have been able to continue as normal, if it wasn't for the emotional stress. I need to celebrate it, take loads of pictures of my bump and write more about my pregnancy, my baby.
But could I do it all again? I don't think I could. If this has the worst outcome, I think I have to celebrate my baby but focus my energy on my family - on my girls and on my husband and continue to make a good life for us. My girls mean so much to me that I think I could move on and focus on having 'bigger' children and not miss the baby stuff so much. we will get through this but, at the moment, the tunnel seems so long and dark it is hard to imagine an end.


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