Monday, July 30, 2007

3 weeks ago

It's 6.30am on Monday July 30 and 3 weeks ago my waters had just broke and I was in a panic about getting to the hospital before I had my baby in front of the girls. Three weeks ago I was so excited because I was going to meet my baby and I was so full of hope that our baby could cope with everything because I didn't want to believe that he could be as ill as we thought.
It's three weeks ago since I met my little boy. I was already in love with him but meeting him was the most amazing thing. It is three weeks since I saw his face and saw myself. It is three weeks since I had three children.
Today we are collecting our son's ashes and I just don't think I can bear it.

Looking at Jamie's picture last night, I lost it. I so need my baby to hold, why don't I have my baby to hold. I held Jamie a lot after he had died but when he was alive I was only able to hold him for a few seconds after he was born. For the rest of his life he was in an incubator attached to tubes and wires. We still had some precious and special moments with Jamie but I miss him so much it hurts and my arms feel so empty.

2 Comments:

Blogger Simon said...

hey babe.

You are in my thoughts, wanted to give you as much space as you need rather than calling you all the time asking 'r u alright?'.... I am here if you need to chat.

As crass as it may sound, it will get easier.

Love Si x

1:54 PM  
Blogger Paulette said...

Hi..I happened to see a comment you made on another blog. I am so sorry about the loss of your baby boy. I lost my son too, to a rare cardiac related issue. Things you have written ring true in my ears. I can feel your pain. I am so sorry.

2:28 PM  

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