Saturday, July 28, 2007

Feeling very sad

Ever since Jamie's cremation I have cried alot. I think I cried all day on Thursday - everything from quiet sobs to loud uncontrollable sreams. I cried in the park with the girls yesterday, too many little babies. I even cried quietly in the sandpit. A baby was crawling towards me and I sat frozen in fear that it was going to touch me but it was rescused by his mum just as it reached my feet. I can't cope with babies at the moment, too much of a reminder of what I have lost.

Since Jamie died two weeks ago, Thursday was the most desperate I have felt for my boy. I wanted to hold him and have him back so much. I feel so so so angry that our baby was taken away from us. we are good people, we help other people, we don't deserve this, we don't deserve to have our baby taken away from us.
I love my boy so much and he was such an amazing and strong baby.
On Thursday I felt like I was losing my mind. I was planning another pregnancy - which I know I can never have because of the increased risk of another heart defect and my age means a higher chance of a chromosome problem. We can't go through another high risk pregnancy with the possibility of a poorly baby, it wouldn't be fair on us, the girls or the baby.
I was even thinking that we could adopt or even buy a baby - crazy idea but I felt so desperate to fill the emptiness.

I feel so angry because a year ago I longed for a third child and when I became pregnant I was so happy, I felt complete. The third child longed for had just been part of my imagination but now he has a face, a body, a name and a smell to remember and I have to imagine what could have been the rest of his life. I guess that makes me lucky, I have those things to remember, to cherish, I had my third pregnancy, I had my beloved third child.
But I feel so angry because I want my boy but I can never have him back now and I really don't know how I am going to cope with not having him for the rest of my life. At some point this has to get easier but for now forever seems like a very long time.


Blogger Shannon said...

I found this poem and I thought of you and Gary.

To Mommy

I'm just a little baby boy
who didn't quite make it there.
I had to go be with Jesus,
but I'm waiting for you here.

Don't fret about me Mommy
I'm one of God's lambs most blest.
I'd had loved to stay there with you,
but the Shepard knows what's best.

So sweet Mommy don't you cry
wipe those tears and chase the gloom,
I spent some time there with you,
instead of coming here straight from your womb.

Daddy gave me something for you,
It's our secret Mommy dear.
He pressed it tight against my forehead,
and whispered in my tiny ear.

I'll be waitiing for you Mommy,
Daddy and my big sisters too,
I'll be waiting for you to hold me,
then Daddy's kiss I'll give to you.

1:40 PM  

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