The time has come to write my blog again

It's May and I feel the strongest ever since finding out Jamie was poorly in March 2007. I haven't written this blog since January and I feel like I have come through the otherside. Since January I have had my lowest moments, I have been depressed and fought off the urge to get anti-d's to numb it all again. I needed to feel that depression to make it to where I am now. At my lowest points I have cried and screamed and I could could easily have walked off the pier just to end the pain but I held onto my love for my husband and my girls and that kept me going through those dark moments.

I can now experience feelings of genuine happiness, not putting on a front, not pretending everything is ok but genuine happiness and I am planning a future, I can look ahead and look forward to it - it is no longer the rest of the my life without Jamie and all the pain and heartache and brings. I will always love Jamie, I will always love Jamie but I have to live my life and I have to enjoy my life because we don't know what it brings. I have a family who need me and I need them and we are enjoying each other.

That said, I still shed tears late at night when everyone is asleep and I am alone with my thoughts of my boy.

But I can't stay sad, I don't want to stay sad. The simple fact is that Jamie is gone, I can never have him back, only my love and my memories of him remain.

I have birthday parties to arrange - my daughter and my husband need to celebrate another year older in July and Jamie's first anniversaries need a fitting tribute, I just haven't decided what they are yet!

But I'm good, I'm happy, I'm strong. My girls are amazingly happy and secure at the moment. Almost a year later they talk of Jamie fondly - he will never be forgotten and he will always be a huge part of our lives