Tuesday, December 16, 2008

as good as it gets?

I've reached a point where I feel like this is as good as it gets - I can function, I can work, I can get out of bed in the morning, I can coo over other babies, I love my children, I love my husband, I love my friends, I can laugh, I can be happy.
But my heart is broken and a piece will always be missing. Throughout a good day an image, a child, a song, a comment, a question, a thought can cause my tears to fall. My boy is everywhere I go. Maybe this is what it will be like forever - life going on but, out of nowhere, something triggers thoughts of my boy and what we have lost. I have always believed in fate, something happening for a reason but I struggle to find the reason why we had to lose our son - he was so wanted and so loved

I can't pretend to be the person I used to be, after you have cradled your dead baby in your arms it would be wrong to be the same person.

My heart also aches with the hurt my girls have experienced - they are both still dealing with their emotions about the brother they briefly met but never saw again. Sometimes I watch my girls playing and I am aware of the overwhelming sense that someone is missing. What would life been like, I wonder, had Jamie lived.

The girls still talk about Jamie often. Lucy was sad yesterday because her brother is dead but she likes to think of him swimming around the world and smiling when we think about him and talk about him. Alice is a little more complicated - she is a much more emotional child and she is still battling with thoughts and worries and new emotions about Jamie and his death, how that makes her feel and how it makes me feel. From a very early age, my girls have learned that doctors can't save everyone and that must be very unsettling. All we can do is continue to allow them to speak about him and to ask all the questions they need to.


Blogger janis said...

Truly, even as we mend and heal, we will never be the same person again, for a piece of our heart is out there, missing.
((hugs)) to you and your children.

2:31 PM  
Blogger sassyp said...

Hi Janine,

We haven't spoken in some time but I still read your blog and think of you & the girls often. I lost my precious baby nephew in October this year...he was born sleeping at 38 weeks gestation and although I will never truly comprehend what you or my sister have been through your posts touch my heart more than ever.
I too believe in fate but rather than wondering what you or my sister did to deserve this I tend to think more that fate knew Jamie and my nephew Angelo were not going to live and chose your family and my sisters as it knew that you could give them the most in the short time they had.

Lots of love to you all...wishing you a peaceful Christmas.
Sass x

6:04 PM  

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