Wednesday, May 02, 2007

regrets, I don't do these as a rule but...

I can't help thinking that if I didn't desire another baby so much I wouldn't be feeling all this pain right now. I would be being a mother to my gorgeous girls, planning weekends away with my husband and working on building up my business, which has now ground to a halt.
BUT then my baby kicks and I feel so happy to have him/her - it was a very much wanted baby and I need to give it all the chances I can to be healthy. I don't regret this pregnancy at all, I have been very happy, even with all the anguish over the last 2 months. It is only since last Thursday that I have been feeling so very low, and I'm not in control of that. I can't shift it.

I play with my girls, I cuddle my girls, I kiss my girls and I feel lucky and happy that I have them but I also feel so sad that I really might not get the chance to do all of that with this baby, this baby may never know how much we love it and how much we wanted it and it may never know its amazing sisters and that fills me with so much unbelievable sadness.

If someone could take away this pain that is stripping me of any hope, if someone can make me feel numb please do it now because this is just too hard and I really don't know how much of this I can cope with. I want to sleep for 2 months, I want to hold my children and never let go, I dont ever want to feel this pain again. Actually I want to zoom forward in time by 2 years when the pain and anguish will be over and I can get on with my life with my family. I want to look at my husband and not see the pain in his eyes. I want my baby to live.


Blogger Anne said...

((((((((Janine))))))) - in a way this pain you are feeling is a gift for your unborn child. It shows just how much you value him/her as a person already. Whatever the future holds, this little one is LOVED.

2:44 PM  

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