Grief

I've been reading alot about grief and reading other parents stories. I have a long way to go but, having read other accounts by parents, I feel very lucky that we did the things we did with Jamie, that we have supportive and caring staff who encouraged us to be with Jamie when he was alive and after he had died, staff who were open and honest with us and staff who did their absolute best to save our baby. Some parents have horrific stories of never seeing their babies alive, of never being encouraged to spend time with them after they had died, some were never kept informed of how ill their baby was and so didn't spend precious time with them before they died. Our situation has definitely been helped by the support of the hospital staff, during pregnancy and in the ICU at both the RVI and the Freeman as well as by the support of the people around us.

We know we are on a long journey and Jamie will always be in our hearts and some days we will miss him more than we can bear.

I can't really describe how I am able to feel both happy and sad at the same time. I am happy that I have my two beautiful, crazy, amazing girls and my gorgeous, funny, supportive husband without whom I would not be able to cope but I am also happy that I made and met my boy as well, despite all the anxiety and pain I have no regrets at all, how could I regret meeting a little boy so goegeous and special that was made with so much love.

But I feel so much sadness that the baby we longed for was too poorly to live, that we won't be able to watch him grow, that he won't be a part of our lives except in our memories and our dreams.

When I am stronger, when the pain I feel starts to ease, I am determined to make changes in my life, to make the most of it and use my energy to have a happy and fulfilled life. My experience with Jamie has showed me that life can change in an instant, we can lose the people most precious to us and we are not in control. So I want to enjoy life and make the most of it. I've never been a victim or shied away things but I've coasted along a little bit since having the kids. But when I'm ready I want to put some energy back into my business, to work towards having some financial security for my family, I'd like to fundraise for the Children's Heart Unit Fund, I want to spend some quality time with my husband, I want to enjoy food and not have a problem with my eating and I don't want to feel guilty for not doing the 'right'thing with the girls - I have happy girls who we spend a great deal of time with and will continue to do so.
I was pretty happy with life before I had Jamie but life is too precious and short to worry over the little things so I'd like to focus on the things that matter.