Monday, August 06, 2007

Up and down

Last Thursday I lost Lucy in Wilkinsons. One second she was there, the next I couldn't find her anywhere. The rest is a blur until she was found - I completely lost the plot, there were lots of tears and I was rooted to the spot, holding onto Alice, who was also crying. Two members of staff went to look for her and found her by the exit!!!!!! All I could think was I've already lost one child I can't lose another.
It was scary to lose Lucy and the relief when I had her back in my arms is indescribable but afterwards I was terrified because I'd completely lost it. It left me feeling very panicky, vulnerable and close to the edge. I now feel like I can't go out with the girls without someone being with us.
On Friday I still felt panicky, especially as I knew I had to take the girls out for the day but I forced myself to plan a day out and I am so glad I did. We headed to Wallington with Em and the girls and we were out for about 7 hours. The kid had a great time with lots of fun and adventure. I was very relaxed by the end of the day but I know I couldn't have enjoyed it if I had been on my own with the girls.
On Saturday me and Gary took the girls to Redcar, another 7 hour day out with loads of fun. I had a good cry in the morning, thinking about my boy but then it was time to save that for later and go out with my girls.
On Saturday I felt happy. For the first time in the last few weeks and months I was able to think about the future, I haven't allowed myself to do that since the scan at 20 weeks showed a potential problem. I know I'll b able to teach again at some point, I know I'll b able to help parents with complicated pregnancies, as well as parents with poorly babies and those who suffer loss. I was thinking about how I want to put my energy into my family, to spend some quality time with Gary and the girls, to stop just drifting along and to do the things we want to do.
And I forgot about Jamie. I'm so used to thinking about him almost every second and on Saturday I forgot about him. And then his beautiful little face flashed into my thoughts and I was overcome by an uncontrollable guilt with more tears and sadness and a pain that felt like my chest was tearing apart.
Yesterday was a bad day, I couldn't focus on anything and I spent most of it in tears. I took Alice out in the morning to the beach but I just couldn't snap out of it and I kept crying. And that's what I was like for the rest of the day. All I could think about was Jamie and how I wanted to stroke his head again, feel his soft curls and look into his eyes and tell him that I love him.

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