Friday, August 10, 2007

I've had an exhausting week with my lovely girls - we haven't stopped. We've been to the beach, to Blyth park, to Morpeth park and yesterday we stayed in for most of the day but we made cakes and our own playdough and we played together all day.

I have been very happy today out with friends and their kids, although I have still cried a couple of times. It is a very strange experience to suddenly realise that my face is wet with tears, I've never experienced the body's need to express emotion like that, completely out of my control.

I have done quite a bit of crying and sobbing this week, just filled with so much sadness. I heard alice playing yesterday, she was playing a game where she stole a baby to make her mummy happy again. which just made me sob and made me realise that I need to really focus on my girls and make them feel important.

I feel very isolated and very confused by my emotions. So happy that I have my children and husband, who make my life worth living but vulnerable that I may lose them too. I feel stuck, only able to focus on the right now, which is probably a good thing but I can't think about work because my work is childbirth and newborn babies and I can't do that again yet, I feel like I can't plan things because I'm just not ready to move on and get on with my life just yet. But this makes me envious of friends whose lives are just continuing as normal, they are making their plans, they are celebrating their new babies, their weddings, their promotions, enjoying a social life and I am stuck in a place that I feel I can't move on from. In time I know I will get on with life, make plans, start going out again, start work again but, for now, I feel stuck because I have to experience this grief, this loss, I have to come to terms with my emotions. I accept that it is a journey I need to go on, and I guess that is a positive thing because if I denied it and tried to get on with life as normal I would crash at some point. For now I am taking each day at a time - some days I feel happy and able to cope and other days I can't stop crying, I feel like I'm losing my mind and all I think about it Jamie as I knew him and as what he might have been - a little boy on the beach, a big boy on his bike and a teenager. And that's what hurts because I wanted a child, an addition to my family, I didn't just yearn for a baby.

My experience of losing Jamie has really made me appreciate how people can become desperate and bitter because it is such an isolating experience because grief is so unique - even though me and gary have experienced Jamie's loss together, we are grieving differently. I can really see how someone can be desperate enough to take a child because all sense and reason goes out the window and if someone has experienced loss and perhaps wasn't a balanced person anyway, it really could send them over the edge. This week a local girl was killed and she had a 2month old baby boy and when I heard the news story - for a couple of seconds I thought well give the baby to me, I'll give him a good home. Absolute madness of course. But I wouldn't want another baby because it wouldn't be Jamie, it's him that I miss and think about.
I've thought about the possibility of getting pregnant again but, again, that is just madness. I couldn't do it again. I couldn't cope with all the worry, the tests, and if I lost another baby I couldn't cope and what would that do to the girls and to me and gary?
I need to focus on the future and what I have with Gary and the girls. Before Jamie I think I was stuck for a couple of years where I wasn't making any plans because I so wanted a third child and I couldn't really move on from that. So when I feel better, when I feel stronger we will make plans for the future and I will move on. I have to accept that I won't have another baby in my family and I think that's ok because I can't have Jamie back. I'll do what I always planned to do with my kids, and have an open house to their friends. I always wanted my kids and their friends to feel at home in my home because I didn't have that as a kid, I was always on my own. I think that is why I have always wanted three children, to feel like I have a big family because I grew up as an only child and that was such an isolating and depressing experience especially as we lived in the middle of nowhere.

But I have two lively, active, challenging and creative children who I can focus on and I feel so blessed for that. They may be barmy children, who send me mad most days but they are my barmy children and I love them, they are my future.

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