On the outside, do I look like I am in pain, like my heart is broken, like I feel as if I can never be healed? Do I look like I have just had a baby, do I look like I have just lost my baby?

I feel lost, I need to grieve, I need to cry, I need to scream and shout, I need to punch a pillow but I'm looking after my girls which is a distraction and a delight but its also frustrating because I feel like I can't grieve, although my tears always find a silent way out. I felt panicky again today about taking the girls out on my own but I did it and we were out for nearly 5 hours which I think is pretty good when today was not a good day for me, I felt panicky and emotional and I have cried quite a few times.
I got irritated with the girls today which I really don't want to do but I get so cross when they are being pesty and they are not satisfied with what they have and what they are doing because Jamie won't ever have his life and he won't have the chance to experience anything. His life was so short. I know thw girls are just being normal, just being themselves and its not their fault but I can't help feeling this way. I think I'm just tired and very very sad, hopefully tomorrow will be better.