Tuesday, August 28, 2007

this week, i feel stronger

Last week was bad - I think I cried all day everyday for several days, I missed my little boy so much, I felt so angry, so pissed off that I wasn't allowed to keep him. I felt like I was losing my mind. I definitely wasn't suicidal but I could really see how someone could just walk off a cliff or throw themselves from somewhere just to end the pain of grief. I could also see how someone could just disappear, drive away or jump on a train to anywhere to try to run away from the grief.

For the last couple of weeks I have felt like I needed to be on my own to allow the grief to happen, rather than trying to hide the truw grief from my girls, who would probably be scared at mummy losing the plot. By the end of last week I couldn't do it any longer so gary took the girls out for the day and I cried hysterically and screamed all day. I shouted, I punched the bed. By the end of the day I was exhausted, my head was pounding and my eyes were sore but I felt much better and I've felt much calmer ever since. I haven't cried for a few days now and I don't feel like I'm screaming in my head. I still feel lost, I still want my boy, I still feel sad but I don't feel like I'm going mad anymore. My eyes fill up with tears when I talk about Jamie but I don't currently have a need to scream. I can accept that he is gone, that he was so poorly but he tried his hardest to stay with us and I can accept that baby's die everyday and there are alot of parents going through the same thing. And i think I can see a future where I am not as emotional and sensitive as I am now, where I can get off the emotional rollercoaster I am on now, where I will be happy more than I am sad. That won't be for a while and I have to give myself time but I will get there, I'm sure of it.

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