Monday, August 13, 2007

taking small steps

Today I met Jane's new baby - Joe. I was very nervous about doing it and last week I kept saying to Gary that I didn't think I could do it but I am so glad I did. I had a good cry last night, I wrote a letter to Jamie and I spent some time thinking about him, my time with him and my feelings of loss which I really needed to do as I haven't had time with looking after the girls all week.

Jamie would have been 5 weeks old today and Joe is 3 weeks older than Jamie. I had thought I wouldn't want to hold Joe, as Jamie was last new baby I held in my arms, I thought seeing Joe would be too painful and make me realise what I was missing, I thought I would want to leave the room crying but I didn't. I did cry when I saw him and I hugged Jane but I think much of that emotion was because we hadn't seen each other since our boys were born and, as very old friends, we needed a hug and a release of some of that emotion. But I felt very calm with Joe, I didn't feel upset at him being there in my house, he isn't Jamie. Jane is one of my closest and oldest friends and it is so important to me to be able to celebrate and love her children. I'm sure, at times, as Joe gets bigger I will be reminded of what I lost when Jamie died but I can't stop that from getting to know him and loving him the same as I do his big sister Maisie.
When we went to the park, I had the urge for a cuddle and I held Joe for a while and it wasn't strange. I did fleetingly think I should be doing this with Jamie but then I looked at him and it was gone because he's Joe not Jamie.

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