Today I'm sad

Today I cried in Tynemouth - like I used to when I was pregnant. I hid near the priory until it passed. I feel so so so sad today, i miss Jamie so much - I just want to hold him again. I really regret not bringing him home before he was cremated. We talked about it at the time as I think Gary wanted to but in the end we decided that we couldn't cope with that. And it was probably the right decision but I wish I'd been stronger and been able to bring my boy home, even just for a little while.

I keep playing back the moment we saw Jamie after he had died, when Kaye carried him into intensive care from theatre. He looked so peaceful and asleep and so free of all the tubes and wires which he had been attached to since a few minutes after he was born. I remember a sobbing scream and I think it must have been me. I remember cuddling him and willing him to wake-up and kissing his cold head and stroking his hair, which was so so soft.
I remember watching my husband hold his son and wishing that I could have given him a healthy son. I remember feeling in shock, not accepting that it was real.
How does someone live with this pain for ever?
I am so lucky to have gary and our girls, to have such fantastic support from family and friends and I cling to that when I feel good and happy. On most days I feel ok to happy and on some days I feel very happy and these days are fantastic, I don't think about Jamie every few seconds and I feel like I'm coping. But then there are days like today when I am just consumed by my grief, I feel sadness right through to my bones and I feel like my heart is truly breaking. why did we have to lose jamie, how can that be right or fair, why does life have to be so cruel?