Jamie's ashes

Jamie's ashes are in a tiny urn inside a sunflower vase. The first night we bought them home I cuddled them all night - and I did that on a few other nights as well - or they sat next to my bed. I couldn't take the urn out of its little box because the sight of the small urn upset me but a week or so ago I took the urn out of its box and looking at it didnt make me cry.

Tomorrow morning at sunrise we plan on going to the end of the pier in Tynemouth to scatter Jamie's ashes. It feels right to do it now. I had thought I would hold onto Jamie's ashes for a while longer because it is him and I wanted him in his house with his family but I've reached a point now where I can accept that its not really him, he has gone but he will be in our memories and in our hearts forever. I needed to have his ashes at home but I don't think I can start to get better until we have scattered his ashes and I think Alice might need to do it as well.

We never bought Jamie home, when he was alive or after he had died, so it gave me a sense of peace to bring his ashes home but we need to set his ashes free now.