Tuesday, March 03, 2009

It's March already...

I think about you every day sweet, precious boy. I so want to hold you, smell you and kiss you again and I'm struggling to understand that you are gone forever, that I can never do those things again.
Life still feels unfair and I still feel angry - at no-one, just with the hand I have been dealt which meant that we had to lose you.

I now feel that I cannot have anymore children. I am not strong enough to cope with another pregnancy, to worry, to have antenatal checks and tests, to wonder whether I will lose another child, to feel so scared and to fear the worst will happen again. You cannot be replaced. I don't have any desire to be pregnant or to have another baby. I want you back in our lives. I could love another child and I would be happy if we had another baby but there are no guarantees in life and we cannot guarantee a healthy, well baby. I have my two girls, who are happy and healthy, and they are my focus now and I do all I can to help them remain happy and healthy.

I now look back on your short life and the few weeks after your death and I wonder how I managed, how I cope, how I survived. I replay in my head everyday being with you in NICU, saying goodbye to you before your surgery and then you being handed to me shortly after you had died. There are things I wish I had said and done differently but I did everything I could at that time and I don't have the power to go back and change anything.

Life is ok, I am intensely proud of my girls - they are my life, I am loved and supported but this journey is hard and long and I wonder whether it will ever end. I miss you lovely boy and I wish you were here with your family.


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6:08 AM  

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