Friday, May 04, 2007

My pregnancy

I'm huuuge, I have a lovely big bump which I love and I realised today that it is big and I definitely feel pregnant now!!
In all probability this will be my last pregnancy and I wanted to write more about it but, due to all the anxiety about the baby, the joy of this pregnancy has been overlooked. So I want to write this for my baby.

Thank you for being there, thank you for being made. My desire for another child was very strong, I don't know where the desire cam from but it was there and I know I wanted a chance to have another child, to add to the 2 amazing children I already have. You were conceived after 3 months of trying and I was so so so happy. I suspected I was pregnant when, on the walk home from school with the girls, the exhaust fumes were so strong and I remembered that from being pregnant with the girls. I tested the next morning, and the next and the next...

Apart from the concerns about you, this pregnancy has been so easy physically. I haven't been particularly tired, I haven't had headaches or mood swings - in fact I've felt really calm and happy. I felt and was sick until about 19 weeks - lots of retching and rushing for a loo or a bin. In the end the girls found it very funny to watch mummy be sick down a drain on the school run or using the bin in the living room because I couldn't make it to the loo.

I felt you moving early, flutterings from 11 weeks and kicks when I put my hand on my tummy from about 20 weeks. Now I'm in 29th week and I love your movements and kicks. You have hated most of the scans and kicked ferociously at the sonographers and consultants when they pressed on my tummy. I love it when you wriggle, when I can feel you legs stretching out.
This week has been the best, I can feel your head near my pubic bone like a ball moving around. I had despeately wanted to feel that again and it has made me so happy. I feel great, I have a fair bit of energy, my back and pelvis doesn't hurt (I am mobile!!!!) and I feel content knowing you are there growing inside me.

Despite all the anxiety, stress and tears, you have made me so very happy and that is why I don't regret making you. You may not be here yet but you have added something to my life that wasn't there before. I have learnt so much about myself, I am more patient with the girls and I feel much much closer to Gary.

I have to believe you can survive because you were made with love, you are loved and I have so much to thank you for.

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