It's the little things that are really hard to handle at the moment. I walked home from school this morning after dropping off Alice and Lucy and I should have been pushing a pram but I wasn't. I feel a bit lost because I was meant to have my three children with me.

It has just dawned on me that in a year's time, both of my girls will be full time in school. I will have to plan more work for myself cause I'll go mad with too much time on my hands. I wasn't supposed to be worrying myself with this stuff yet, I was meant to have Jamie with me until he started school, with me slowly building up my business. Now I'll have to rethink, replan, work out what I'm strong enough to do.

I miss my little boy so much and it's hard to think ahead at the moment because I'm scared I'll never be strong enough to cope with missing Jamie and having a normal life again. I guess I'm a bit low at the moment. I knew it would be hard to cope with the girls going to school and nursery so I guess it's just another adjustment that I have to deal with.