pain

I feel so lost my gorgeous little boy. I love you and I miss you but I truly thought I would feel better by now but I don't. I replay your short life in my head and it hurts so much I can hardly stand it.
I am pushing everyone away and I have to stop. I hurt so much that I am sometimes scared about what I might do to stop that pain, so I look at your sisters, I cuddle them and I hold your dad to stay here and keep going. But still it doesn't feel enough.
I am so very scared about what the future holds, can I really sustain this pain for the rest of my life?
I miss you so much and I want you back.