today i feel happy, content, focused, settled, hopeful, calm, relaxed, fulfilled, rested, ready, able...

I dream

of a beautiful, sandy beach with clear blue water. The sun is shining down and the 5 of us playing on the beach. We are relaxed, happy and together.
Maybe this is heaven.

Finding my perspective

I have been for a long walk today in the wind and the rain and the world feels a little less bleak and hard this evening. I need to slow down, cut myself some slack, enjoy myself a bit more and put things back into perspective.
I have tried to do so much over the last two years, I guess in an attempt to fill that huge gap in my life, that I have been left drained and stressed. I don't know how I am going to move forward but my instinct is to slow and down and see what happens.

pain

I feel so lost my gorgeous little boy. I love you and I miss you but I truly thought I would feel better by now but I don't. I replay your short life in my head and it hurts so much I can hardly stand it.
I am pushing everyone away and I have to stop. I hurt so much that I am sometimes scared about what I might do to stop that pain, so I look at your sisters, I cuddle them and I hold your dad to stay here and keep going. But still it doesn't feel enough.
I am so very scared about what the future holds, can I really sustain this pain for the rest of my life?
I miss you so much and I want you back.