Sunday, October 28, 2007

feeling happy

we've had a great half-term with the girls - we decided last sunday to go away for a couple of days to edinburgh. we've never been away with the girls before and they loved staying in a hotel.
we went to jedburgh abbey on the way there and had a picnic, we went out for dinner at night which the girls loved because we don't often inflict them on restaurants and the we spent all day on wednesday at the zoo. They were so good, despite the travelling and periods of starvation (muuumm we're starving, can we have something to eat nooooowwww) although there was an icecream request/desire/need by Alice refused after a foot stamping incident at the zoo but she survived and hopefully learnt a lesson.
And then we abandoned our girls with their lovely we-want-to-spend-time-with-our grandchildren- grandparents for two days - the girls were spoiled rotten and entertained 24/7 while we got some sleep and went shopping!!

Life feels good and I'm grabbing onto it before I hit my next low again

Sunday, October 21, 2007

A fab day out

Despite having a slight hangover this morning after a night out with some of the mums from school, me and Gary took the kids out for the day.
First was a castle in Sunderland, which was a surprise as it is set next to a dene, which we explored and then we found a great playground with 2 climbing frames, some tyre swings, death slide, rope mountain and roundabout. The kids had a blast and we were there for atleast a couple of hours.
The sun was shining, the kids were happy, gary was happy and so was I. After the park, I was just thinking how happy I was feeling when Alice shouted for me to look out the window and there on top of a set of traffic lights was a magpie. They always remind me of Jamie and it was a nice touch to see one on our lovely family day out.

Friday, October 19, 2007

more small steps

I visited the midwifery unit today to catch up with everyone there and to find out about all the changes before I start teaching again in January. It was really good - what a lovely unit, although currently quite quite for deliveries. I am so glad I went. I feel ready to teach again, I saw some new babies and I was able to talk about Jamie without sobbing.

I don't think I'll be ready to face the RVI for quite some time but today was a good move, and definitely some progress for me.

I'm so glad I feel able to teach again - I really don't want Jamie's death to have a negative effect on our lives. I need to turn it into a positive and if that means pouring my love into my family and into a job that I LOVE then so be it. It will be hard but it means too much to me to give up.

I love my son, I miss him and the tears will continue to fall for a very long time but I cannot sit at home and become depressed about what I no longer have, I need to celebrate what I do have and try my best to have a happy life.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Tonight I have put a picture of Jamie in the living room for the first time, he sits among the other pictures of my children when they were babies. I don't know why but I couldn't do this before today, his picture is in our bedroom and in Gary's office but today I feel ready to have him with us in the livign room as well.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

that's that then

If you have had one child with congenital heart disease, the chance that another child will be born with CHD ranges from 1.5 to 5 percent, depending on the type of CHD in the first child...

...Congenital heart defects involving obstructions to blood flow in the left side of the heart have a higher rate of recurrence than other heart defects.

After a dream I had last night about having another pregnancy, I've been wondering today whether I could do it again. But reading these statistics has sealed it for me - I can't do it again. I think for the first time since Jamie died, I want a baby - i feel cheated that I didn't get to hold, cuddle, feed my baby or to watch him grow. But the reality is that Jamie has gone, he was very poorly and he died and my arms are empty of a baby and he can never be replaced. I do consider myself to be very lucky though because I can have cuddles with my girls anytime I want to and need to, they have been in my life everyday since they were born and I love them with all my heart. It would be lovely to be able to have another baby, not to replace Jamie but to continue to let our family grow and to have some happiness but I can't risk losing another child or having a very sick child again. My focus needs to be on Gary and our girls and having a happy life together and remembering Jamie with love and pride. One day I hope my heart will heal enough so it doesn't hurt as much as it does now, so I don't cry everyday for what we have lost and what we are desperately missing. But for now I take some strange comfort in my tears and my grief because it means Jamie was loved, he is missed and he was here.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

such beautiful words

I found this on a parenting forum and it's just perfect

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I'm a hit!

Lucy: "mummy I like you"
Me: "I like you too Lucy"
Lucy: "I like you and I think I'll keep you"

Always good to know :-))

Thursday, October 11, 2007

And up again

Today I feel good, able to cope, stronger again. I had a good cry last night and I feel like some of the pain has eased. It's going to be such a long hard road. We're a strong family though, and we will get through this some how.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

When I first lost Jamie, I read about grief and one of the stages is anger. At the time I thought, but I'm not really angry with anyone, Jamie was ill and he died and I just feel so so so sad. Well fuck me, I really do feel the anger now. It's bubbling away inside. I'm not angry at Jamie, I'm not angry at the doctors, I'm not angry at anyone becacuse I feel they are responsible in any way for Jamie's death, I am angry at friends and strangers alike for being able to be happy, to be able to continue with their happy lives, making plans, not experiencing the pain I am feeling.

As I write this down, I realise it sounds absurd and I truly wouldn't wish any sadness on anyone, especially due to the loss of a child but I can't help the way I feel. I'm sure it will fade and it probably means I am making progress, making my way through my grief but the people around me seem untainted by sorrow and heartbreak and depression. Of course I know this isn't true either, most people have their own heartbreak but I am wrapped up in my own selfish sorrow. Eventually, and hopefully soon, I will make my way out again and happy again but for now I feel a little sorry for myself and a little depressed, I can't see much light at the end of tunnel at the moment, I am tired and I am low but then I have a cuddle with my girls and everything seems ok again for a while.
I feel strange, not normal, in an unfamiliar place and a little lost. And now I am going to be with my children as they get ready for bed - alice is making a parrot picture and lucy is looking at a book - and then I'll, hopefully, spend a nice evening with Gary, my anchor who is also trying to cope with the loss of our son.

i feel calm again

this is the longest period of lowness I have felt since Jamie died. I just feel tired, so so tired of feeling sad, of being stuck in this bubble of grief, of feeling alone in my little world. I think I'm feeling a little bit depressed, but hopefully I'll feel stronger again soon. My grief is like an unknown journey, I don't know where the hard parts are and how long they will last and sometimes I feel very ill-equipped to deal with them.

But today I feel calm again, not so angry and tearful. I have decided to give myself some space today so Lucy is in Nursery all day, she'll love it and I get some time on my own to think and just sit and drink tea if I want to.

Lizzie's little boy Jacob was born yesterday - exactly 3 months older than Jamie. I am so happy for her and I will go to visit them in Nottingham in a couple of weeks time. It'll be emotional but it will also be lovely. I need to be able to celebrate new life and enjoy other people's babies.

I miss Jamie right down to my bones and I really don't know how long it is going to be before it stops hurting quite as much but I also feel so so happy to have Gary and our girls, we have a lot to be grateful for.

Monday, October 08, 2007

A montage of Jamie's life

View this montage created at One True Media

Jamie, I think about you several hundred times a day, I love you and I miss you so much.
Thank you for waiting for us, thank you for coming to us, even for such a short time.
I love you, my little boy

If one more person...

asks me whether I am alright now, I really am going to get very angry.
Jamie would have been 13 weeks old today, no I am not alright now, my son is still dead, his death and my grief are both still very raw, there is a huge hole in my life, no I am not alright now.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

see, i am normal