Thursday, December 27, 2007

haven't done this for a while

haven't really seen the point. Jamie is dead and I am still grieving. i feel like i'm in a weird place, i still haven't haven't completely broken out of the bubble I have been in since we found out Jamie was poorly when I was pregnant. My overwhelming emotion is still one of anger but that is joined by numbness and emotional detachment.

I am angry that he is not still here, that we were not allowed to keep him because we love him and we want him so very much. I don't know who I am angry with, I'm just angry. I'm not angry at anyone who gets to keep their babies, their children but I feel angry that they haven't felt this pain, all they have felt is joy but I feel angry that they moan about their life with their children. Count your blessings because the alternative is much much worse.

It's Christmas and we are going through the motions for the girls. I feel full of tears yet emotionally detached, a very strange feeling indeed. The run up to Christmas was great - the school plays, the kids parties, buying and wrapping all the presents but then it became too painful. We have a beautiful tree that my son can't see, he isn't here for his first Christmas. The girls have had a fantastic time, which is the point and we should be proud that we were able to achieve this when we both wanted to run away from Christmas this year.

I guess you could describe my mood as low. I'l be fine again in the new year. I just miss him so much and I would do anything to have him with us.