I want to get this down on 'paper'

I DO want to do my counselling training!!

I have been umming and ahhing for 2-3 years now, mainly because the kids were young, I was getting to grips with my antenatal teaching but it is something I really want to do.

Now I just have to find out more and hope there is somewhere up here that I can do it.

This time next year, both girls will be at school and I will have the time to do it. And maybe I'll be strong enough by then, but the timing could well be perfect :-)))

and...

alice has been in the gold book at school again this week for excellent work. She is doing so well and I am so proud of her. She is a happy bright child but she usually struggles in her first term but this year she is flying. I thought she would struggle because of the emotional time she has had lately but she's taking everything in her stride which makes me feel very proud and happy.

a happy day

thanks to jane for an artistic herbal tea and a good moan this morning, my children being in a good mood and coffee with anna, while the kids played after school.
And now, I'm tired and the kids are in bed so time for a glass of wine and a relax infront of the TV - I hope there's something good on!

Jamie's lighthouse

I think we made the right decision to scatter Jamie's ashes from the lighthouse. It has always been one of my favourite views and now it means so much more. It's such a beautiful and tranquil place.

My girls...

..make me happy and proud.

I've decided to go back to work. I am bored and I need to focus on something again. I have meetings this weeks to plan my courses for next year, so I'll be heading back in January. In the meantime I can revamp my teaching kit a little bit and get it all organised again.

I know some people might think it is a little soon to be teaching pregnant couples again but I think I'll be fine. I have seen pregnant women, I have held babies since Jamie died and it doesn't really matter that much cause they are not Jamie. It will be hard but I'll be caught out by something I can't prepare for, I'm sure it'll be a little thing that normally wouldn't affect me.
And I think I need to do it because if I don't go back to work, I may never do it. So I'm jumping back in with both feet. I don't want Jamie's death to be a negative thing, I don't want it to stop me doing the job I love. As long as I leave myself enough time to breath and get my head together I'm sure I'll be fine.

Had THE best day out

Took the girls to see Hang perform Get Knotted, which was amazing and the kids loved it. It's trapeze dancing and it was really really fantastic. www.hang.org.uk

To start the show was The Balloonatic http://www.stevecousins.net/entertainment.htm
you've never seen anything like it.

Very very funny and incredibly talented - loved it :-)))))

And now for happy stuff

My girls are just so amazing and incredible. They have coped so well with us losing Jamie. Alice has settled into her new class at school really well. Her teacher is very warm and caring and has allowed Alice the time to talk about her brother - Alice took a picture into school to shoe her teacher and she stood up in front of her class to show it to her friends and to talk about Jamie. She was also taken to the staffroom to show Jamie's picture to the headteacher, who is also a lovely woman and has been talking to Alice about her brother.
Alice ran out of school that night so excited that she had been in the staffroom "mummy, the teachers were sitting on chairs, drinking tea" I'm not sure what she thought teachers did at breaktime, perhaps hang from the ceiling like bats in Doctor Who??

The school are raising money for the Children's Heart Unit Fund as well, which is lovely and Alice feels very touched by it.

Alice has drawn pictures of our family and always includes Jamie. SHe has also written a few stories which include poorly princesses. One story is so beautiful it made me cry. A princess was ill - Alice drew a picture of her on a bed with lots of wires - and the prince was trying to save her but he couldn't so she turned into a fairy so she could fly around and watch the people she loved.

She is obviously expressing all her thoughts about Jamie through her drawings and her stories which is such a beautiful and wonderful thing to do and it is so obviously helping her to cope with her emotions.


And my little Lucy, who we thought would be quite oblivious to everything because she's only 3, talks about Jamie everyday - and not because I am upset or because she has heard us talking about him. She includes him in alot of the games she plays, he is definitely part of her family and she asks questions about why he died. But mostly she just says things like 'I like my brother but he died' or 'we had a beautiful baby' - and she only met him for about 10 minutes.

Lucy has started nursery school and she loves it. She has settled in really well and just runs in in the morning. And one day a week she goes in all day. So far, she' settled and happy. She loves being in there with 2 of her friends and I think she is starting to make new friends as well now.
She is exhausted and niggly afterwards but I am so happy that she's happy.

Today I'm sad

Today I cried in Tynemouth - like I used to when I was pregnant. I hid near the priory until it passed. I feel so so so sad today, i miss Jamie so much - I just want to hold him again. I really regret not bringing him home before he was cremated. We talked about it at the time as I think Gary wanted to but in the end we decided that we couldn't cope with that. And it was probably the right decision but I wish I'd been stronger and been able to bring my boy home, even just for a little while.

I keep playing back the moment we saw Jamie after he had died, when Kaye carried him into intensive care from theatre. He looked so peaceful and asleep and so free of all the tubes and wires which he had been attached to since a few minutes after he was born. I remember a sobbing scream and I think it must have been me. I remember cuddling him and willing him to wake-up and kissing his cold head and stroking his hair, which was so so soft.
I remember watching my husband hold his son and wishing that I could have given him a healthy son. I remember feeling in shock, not accepting that it was real.
How does someone live with this pain for ever?
I am so lucky to have gary and our girls, to have such fantastic support from family and friends and I cling to that when I feel good and happy. On most days I feel ok to happy and on some days I feel very happy and these days are fantastic, I don't think about Jamie every few seconds and I feel like I'm coping. But then there are days like today when I am just consumed by my grief, I feel sadness right through to my bones and I feel like my heart is truly breaking. why did we have to lose jamie, how can that be right or fair, why does life have to be so cruel?

It's the little things that are really hard to handle at the moment. I walked home from school this morning after dropping off Alice and Lucy and I should have been pushing a pram but I wasn't. I feel a bit lost because I was meant to have my three children with me.

It has just dawned on me that in a year's time, both of my girls will be full time in school. I will have to plan more work for myself cause I'll go mad with too much time on my hands. I wasn't supposed to be worrying myself with this stuff yet, I was meant to have Jamie with me until he started school, with me slowly building up my business. Now I'll have to rethink, replan, work out what I'm strong enough to do.

I miss my little boy so much and it's hard to think ahead at the moment because I'm scared I'll never be strong enough to cope with missing Jamie and having a normal life again. I guess I'm a bit low at the moment. I knew it would be hard to cope with the girls going to school and nursery so I guess it's just another adjustment that I have to deal with.

JAMIE

A few seconds old

A cuddle with me before he was taken to SCBU

In SCBU - about an hour old


In Intensive Care just before his first operation - 5 hours old

In intensive care after transfer to The Freeman - 2 days old

With his beautiful sisters - 2 days old

My poorly boy - 3 days old

This was taken the morning before Jamie's heart surgery

a gorilla has brightened my day

http://www.aglassandahalffullproductions.com/


love it, love it, love it

I've had such a lovely week. Alice has returned to school and she loves it, Lucy has had her nursery visit and she starts on Monday. I have felt happy and peaceful, I haven't cried often, I have been able to talk about Jamie and feel peace that he was so poorly and now he he isn't suffering anymore and feel happy that we had him for those 3 days and he has left us with memories and strength as a family.

But today I am so so lost again and I'm so angry. Why wasn't I allowed to keep my boy, I miss him so much and I want him back. I would do anything to hold him, to kiss him, to stroke his hair, to tickle his feet, to just have him back. I am a good mum, I love my children, Jamie was a very wanted baby and I feel his loss everyday.