Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I haven't shed many tears this month but I feel very lost and confused. I miss you and I really want you and I am struggling with the thought of not having anymore children. I need some time, some space, some cuddles, some love and some laughter to try to get my head straight.

I haven't been well this month and that has given me lots of time wrapped up in my duvet to think and reflect. I need to look after myself and focus on putting my head together. Sometimes, I am so wrapped up in missing you and feeling pissed off with everyone and no-one that I am missing the good stuff I have in my life. Your sisters are my life, they keep my heart beating, they are funny and silly and crazy and kind and caring and thoughtful and cuddly and just amazing.

Your dad is just the best man on the planet - he is loving and funny and thoughtful and strong and caring and romantic and sexy and clever and hard working and beautiful and he is my soulmate, my best friend.

But I feel hopeful for this year, I have given myself permission to take it easy, work towards getting better this year and to focus on my family, friends and my home - the good stuff.
You will never be far from my thoughts my beautiful little boy but I need to move on, I can't grieve like this forever, it just hurts too much and my heart is broken.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

This week, I feel good. And this needs to be celebrated :-)
You have two amazing sisters and, despite all their squabbles and fights and refusals to do anything I want at all unless it involves watching tv or making cakes, they are my life and they keep me going on my darkest of days. A cuddle from them can make even the darkest clouds go away.

This week has been a big week for Lucy, she had her birthday party at the farm last weekend. It was a fantastic fun and sunny day. You were missed incredibly but the smiles on the girls faces just said it all. Lucy turns 5 this weekend and I just don't know where those 5 years have gone. It is also a reminder that, in many ways, my broken heart is never truly going to heal - I so wish we were able to have you here for your birthdays.

Lucy also learnt to swim this week - she did 3 lengths in the little pool all by herself. She was so exhausted she burst out crying at the end!

Our family life is a bit chaotic and, at times, frantic and emotional but it is a family of love and support and cuddles andfun and life. You would have enjoyed being with us, your sisters would have teased you rotten but you would have loved them for it. I would do anything just for one more cuddle.
If I could have a Groundhog day I would go back to the Wednesday, when your sisters met you and I got to wash your hair and your face. I couldn't hold you because of all the wires but this was the next best thing. These memories I will hold with me forever. I love you, my little gorgeous Jamie. I am so glad you came into our lives, even if your visit with us was brief.