Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Every now and then I think about whether we could have another baby. In my heart I really don't think I could do it again. I still have a romantic view of being pregnant, of having life growing inside me. But then I think about going back to Fetal Medicine for scans and how stressed it would be to find out whether something is wrong, would I settle until I had that baby safely in my arms? Is it fair to put my family through the stress and anxiety?

The truth is we won't have any more of our own children. If Gary really wanted another baby I would think about it but I'm pretty sure he doesn't. But I do wonder whether it would help with our healing if we were to have a healthy baby - but there is absolutely no guarantee of that at all is there?

And is any desire for another baby just to try to replace what we have lost and that just can't be done. If someone loses a parent - that parent can't be replaced; if someone loses a grandparent, they can't be replaced; if someone loses a partner, that person cannot be replaced and neither can my boy - we just have to keep adjusting to life without him.

Waffle, waffle waffle - confusion, confusion, confusion

New things

Things we have done since Jamie died that we wouldn't have bothered with if we were adjusting to life with 3 children:
  • We set up my office
  • We have set up my own business - Birth Basics (It's gonna be great!)
  • Our trip to Edinburgh
  • Gary got the pinball working
  • I've started writing again - I've written 2 features for magazines in the last few weeks
  • I've started to lose weight and get fit
  • I've been out DRINKING!
  • We're planning trips away next year
  • We've made changes in the house and we are planning more

We would swap all of it to have Jamie back - but we can't have him back so I'm proud of the positive steps we have made to create a new normal for our family which involves tears, hugs, hope and happiness.

Friday, November 16, 2007

One Year Ago...

Dear Jamie
One year ago today I found out I was having you. I was the happiest woman on this earth. I didn't imagine that a year later I would be sitting here without you. It's been a tough year but I don't regret a second of it - we made you, you grew inside me and we spent 3 very special days with you and you will always live in our hearts. I so wish you were here with us now and I would do anything to have you back but I still feel blessed for having you grow inside me and for being strong enough to meet us.
I love you my precious little boy. I wish I could hold you just one last time.
I will love you always

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

and more from me

I'm still feeling pretty good. I haven't had any really low days for a few weeks now but I think that's only because I'm not thinking about Jamie too much. If I stopped and really thought about him I would be so pissed off and sad and angry and lost and upset, so I'm getting on with things.
Fireworks night was emotional. It is always a family event, going to the big bonfire and fireworks show. The girls love it, as do we, and Jamie was very definitely missed. I love everything about the night - wrapping up warm in winter coats, with scarves, gloves and wellies. He should have been snuggled up to me in his sling, underneath my coat as I shielded his ears from the load bangs of the fireworks, just as I had done with both girls when they were babies. I had a good weep as the fireworks exploded in the sky above my head and hoped he was looking down on us, his family, enjoying the show as well.

I have been observing an antenatal course (thanks Christine) which was a very positive experience and it felt right to be in a room full of nervous and excited expectant parents. I taught alittle during the 2nd session, which was good for me to do. I am amazed at how well I coped and was completely able to seperate my son from the class. Although I did think of him during one activity looking at the first few days with a baby. we were talking about day 4 and the emotions of milk coming in, etc and I thought well my son was dead by then.
I had a bit of a cry after that session and I needed some wine when we arrived in Lambley but I would be really cold not to have an emotional reaction to going back to work so I'm seeing it as a good thing, I'm not bottling it all away.

The biggest issue I have at the moment is deciding whether to tell people about Jamie. I think it is down to who it is and what the circumstances are. My fear has been that I will feel I have ignored Jamie if I don't tell people about him, and the thought of that upset me so much because I never want to deny his existence, he is my son, he will always be my son and he was here. But I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to avoid me, tiptoe around me, I don't want to upset people and I don't want to be centre of attention.
With strangers or people who I won't get to know, I see no reason to mention Jamie but with people who are becoming a part of my life I will tell them. I talk about Jamie quite freely and I don't want new friends to wonder who it is I am talking about. I told some of the mums from nursery school this week and it was fine and I felt relieved.

I have three courses booked for January and February. I'm nervous and excited about going back to work but I need to do it. It will be another adjustment in my life after Jamie and it will be tough at times but I have never been the type of person to shy away from something because it is going to be hard.

I'm also nervous about 2008. 2007 has been so special - I bonded with my son while I was pregnant and I spent time with him while he was alive but now I have the rest of my life to miss him so I need to plan special things for next year for me, Gary and the girls, or maybe I just need to take each week/month at a time and enjoy what I have at that moment.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

still happy...

i'm still feeling good - apart from a horrid cold!
I hope I don't jinx things but I feel positive about everything.