I'm feeling ok, life is moving by and ticking over. But I feel very detached from life, like I am just going through the motions. Every few days I feel connected and energised and it feels amazing, like I am truly alive, but then I am back to feel distanced and separate from the world around me again. Is this grief or depression or both? I really don't know.
I miss you so much, words truly can't express how much my heart and my arms ache for you. I have to keep reminding myself how poorly you were, how painful and difficult your life may have been but that doesn't stop me imagining the troublesome, noisy, nosy little boy I should have with me now. I feel robbed of my much wanted and loved third child and I miss you so so much.
I really thought I would feel better almost two years later, and in many ways I do, but the wound is still raw and painful and I'm wondering how long, if ever, this healing will take.

walking in my shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others’ eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
Most people- they never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
…..before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
(Unknown Author)

It's March already...

I think about you every day sweet, precious boy. I so want to hold you, smell you and kiss you again and I'm struggling to understand that you are gone forever, that I can never do those things again.
Life still feels unfair and I still feel angry - at no-one, just with the hand I have been dealt which meant that we had to lose you.

I now feel that I cannot have anymore children. I am not strong enough to cope with another pregnancy, to worry, to have antenatal checks and tests, to wonder whether I will lose another child, to feel so scared and to fear the worst will happen again. You cannot be replaced. I don't have any desire to be pregnant or to have another baby. I want you back in our lives. I could love another child and I would be happy if we had another baby but there are no guarantees in life and we cannot guarantee a healthy, well baby. I have my two girls, who are happy and healthy, and they are my focus now and I do all I can to help them remain happy and healthy.

I now look back on your short life and the few weeks after your death and I wonder how I managed, how I cope, how I survived. I replay in my head everyday being with you in NICU, saying goodbye to you before your surgery and then you being handed to me shortly after you had died. There are things I wish I had said and done differently but I did everything I could at that time and I don't have the power to go back and change anything.

Life is ok, I am intensely proud of my girls - they are my life, I am loved and supported but this journey is hard and long and I wonder whether it will ever end. I miss you lovely boy and I wish you were here with your family.